I find it hard to keep track of the days lately, time seems to be moving so quickly yet so slowly simultaneously. I look back at pictures and pull memories from my bank and can't believe that it was so long ago that these days, these little moments in time happened. But yet somehow for some memories it feels like a lifetime has past since they occurred but in actuality it hasn't been that long. Life is funny that way, I spend a lot of time reflecting and I try to go into these memories with a clear head and a clear heart.
I see the love of my children and how they filled my heart before they graced my arms. Everyday I take a moment to stop and really look at them, they are mine, and I am lucky. I stopped today and asked them "I am a very lucky Mommy, do you know why?" they both stopped what they were doing and looked up at me with wide curious yes "No Mama why?" was Aisley's response "Because I have you two, you are the most amazing daughters a Mommy could ever ask for" Both girls smiled and Quinn cuddled me and said "Mama we are the lucky ones because we have you" I am lucky, I am lucky that they chose me to be their Mom, no matter what may come and go in my life, in the end they are all that matter.
Since I was a little girl I have always believed in luck and for some reason I chose the number 3 to be my lucky number. I never had a reason why just one day I declared it to be lucky and that was that. This past year I have figured out why it is lucky. A couple weeks ago I turned 34 and took some time to reflect on the last year. 33 was a big year for me (see two 3's so double lucky) I had a lot of life changes and at the time of each I may not have seen them as lucky but from where I stand now it was a very lucky year.
When I was 33 I went from a family of 4 to a family of 3. I love my little family of 3, we are happy and joyous and we find solitude in one another. There is trust, love and compassion. Everyday may not be prefect but everyday we learn how strong our family of 3 is. We moved into 2013 and it was a fresh start for us, we spent the 3 months of Winter getting our footing back and moving forward with our day to day lives. We snuggled more and giggled more and relaxed more then we had in a long time. There was a new calm that came over our lives over those 3 months.
Spring has now come and we all know that Spring is a time for change, there is a shift in the amount of time we spend outdoors and our daily schedule becomes much more hectic. There are activities to get to and friends to ride bikes with, bubbles to blow and skipping ropes to play with. The back and forth between two houses is hectic and frustrating but slowly we are adjusting, them much better then I.
I want to remember the good times, I want to be happy, I like when I am happy, and right now I am happy. Yet I still have those days when life just seems so complicated. I have to deal with the fact that it is not only me that I need to think about and that right there makes things extremely ridiculously complicated. Due to my previous relationship with my ex I now question everything, way beyond the amount that I should. I have a hard time just letting go and embracing the here and now. What if I am missing signs that tell me I need to change things, what if I am making a wrong decision and wont find out for another 13 years.
There are three simple words that I tell myself everyday .... life is short ... depending on the day these words cause me to have two very different reactions. The first being, embrace it, throw yourself into it, don't look back, only forward and jump in. The second is the exact opposite, I feel I should slow down, analyze what I am doing, take a step back and look at my situation from every angle. So you can see how frustrating and confusing that can be for a girl. My mind is set on what I should do, but depending on the day they are two drastically different plans.
For those Moms out there did you notice that after you had a baby everyone felt that your body was their business? You get lots of questions like, did you tear, how many stitches, how are you heeling, how is breast feeding, how much weight did you gain and then how much weight have you lost. (I remember being asked how much weight I had lost since having Quinn ... 3 days after she was born)
Well divorce is kind of the same thing. Everyone asks lots of very personal questions about your life while you were together and since you have been apart. They want to give their opinions on what you should be doing and how you should be doing it. Now this can vary from your daily routine of when you have the children and when you don't, from how you deal with you ex and his family and how you handle fights. What you should tell your children and how much they should know about the situation. How you should make and spend your money, how you should act and behave, and how you should be feeling. There are lots of opinions on meeting new people and dating, introducing them to the kids and moving forward.
Now don't get me wrong I love that I have people in my life that care about me and worry about me and want to be there for me, then there are those that feel the need to stick their nose in my business, those people I can do without. The truth of the matter is simple ... there is no map laid out for this situation. Truly every ones experience and timing is different when it comes to divorce. You spend a lot of time reflecting and re-living your past.
For me and my ex things ended last summer, yes I was shocked and hurt and devastated but once I really sat down and looked at our life together things had been over for a long time. I can see when it changed and how it changed, I just didn't see it at the time. But that is all part of life, part of growing and changing. I have learned from my mistakes and I have grown as a person, I trust myself and my judgment. Before all of this happened to me I had my opinions on how people should handle divorce and dating and children, but trust me, unless you have been through it you will never understand. So give me your opinions and tell me how you feel but in the end trust that I know what I am doing and I have learned from my past and will continue to learn how to handle my situation and what I want out of life.
Whether they just had a baby or are getting divorced really all the person wants is love and support, let them vent or complain and in response give them love and support because all of these things are scary. How can anything that has a box beside it that you have to check stating you had a life event not scare you shitless?!?!
So as I reflect and move forward I find my luck in the little places in my life and the little people in my life. I surround myself with positive and put faith in myself that when push comes to shove I will know what is right for my beautiful family of 3 and in the end that's really all a girl can do.
